Me, Myself, Irene

30, flirty, thriving.

2010-06-08T19:49:00.012-04:00

I am definitely NOT good about updating this site...
But, I wanted to update with some great pictures from my 30th birthday weekend!

It started out with my friends Jeanne and Joe flying in from Chicago to help me celebrate--and a day later, Tahir came into town!!

The HIGHLIGHT of my weekend (although overall, it was an incredible time), was that I went SKYDIVING over Monterey Bay!! It was AMAZING!! You can see the video footage here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mp63Q_bk98U

So skydiving, dinner in San Francisco with some beautiful friends, hanging out, and on Sunday, my church youth and some of the English ministry members threw me a SURPRISE birthday celebration at the park!

It's amazing to be filled with so much love and I rang in a new decade with overflowing love. For that, I am so grateful.

Enjoy the pics! They are totally random, but encompass my birthday weekend well.

Sweet moments with a 2-year old...

2010-04-25T01:02:00.004-04:00

Tonight, I had the privilege of babysitting N and baby sister H while their parents finally had a night out together.

I put N to bed and it was one of the sweetest moments I've experienced in a long time. This girl is so so sweet... she requires a certain routine when you go to bed.

She loves to be talked to before she sleeps... she says, "Irene emo (Auntie Irene) talking"... so I talk about her day and what she did that day.... the whole time, she is holding my hand through the crib as she lays there and I have to also lay down on the ground too.

I could go into a lot of detail of what that entailed, but one of my favorite "talking" moments was when she asked me to talk about church. So, I told her about how God loves her and her mom and her dad and her sister... etc... and that God loves everyone! She then repeated that part, "God loves everyone!" Then I told her about how God created the world and the plants and the trees and the flowers...and as I was repeating that, when I would forget something, she would add it in--"God made plants and trees and flowers!" Melted my heart.

My favorite part was at the very end when she was ready for me to leave... she said, "Kido" which means "pray" and she folded her hands and we prayed together.

Then, she said, "Night night, emo... high five" (so I gave her a high five through the crib)... "fist pump" (which her dad taught her, so I gave her fist pump through the crib) and then she continued, 'saranghehyo!' which means, I love you! Melted me through and through.

Oh, of course it doesn't end there... as I'm walking out the door, she says, "bye bye emo, MUUUAH!" and she blew me a kiss.

I want to be mom so much, but I am so incredibly thankful that I get to share in a child's life now. Fulfills so much of that for me. :)

And it's April now... :)

2010-04-07T19:59:00.010-04:00

Yeah, I am clearly not in the updating blog mode at all nowadays--life just gets in the way sometimes! Anyway, Happy Easter to everyone!! It was a busy but wonderful Lenten season and Holy Week--and Easter!

My cousin Tina came to visit, my friend Joann is going to come and visit soon... and I've just been working away. I did have a whirlwind trip to Louisville for a one day consultation--and mostly life has just been as usual!

So, I hope you enjoy the pics and here's also a quote that I read by Audrey Hepburn and absolutely loved...that I'm holding close for a while.

"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."

Picture updates

2010-02-10T22:01:00.006-05:00

Well, it's been a while. The easiest way to update a month of no updates is usually with pictures, so here goes!! :) It started with post-holiday church madness with a trip home to Utah. It was the first time home since my ordination in 2008, so it was time... although I didn't get to see the extended family at Christmas and New Years, it was good to see my parents and some friends in mid-January.

Then, I was off to the APCE Conference (Association of Presbyterian Christian Educator's) in Nashville, TN! Saw some good peeps there... along with a live performance by Amy Grant!

THEN, I came back and hit the ground running with more work... and happily, my brother Andy came up to Sacramento for a work conference. I drove up there to see him... I hadn't seen him since December 2008, so it was great to see him too.

Finally, my friends Mannam and Stephen had their second daughter!!! (Their oldest is Nahyun, the one I always post pics with)... Haena Haylie Lee was born on February 9th and she is BEAUTIFUL!!!

Hopefully it won't be so long until my next update!! Blessings everyone.

More hanboks...

2010-01-03T19:12:00.001-05:00

I swear I serve the cutest kids ever...

Happy 2010!

2010-01-01T18:04:00.001-05:00

새해 복 많이 받으세요!! HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

More to come ... it's been super busy for me... but thought I would post two pics of me in my hanbok (Korean traditional dress) that I wore for last night's worship service and wish you all a blessed and wonderful new year!!

Giving Thanks

2009-11-30T13:42:00.002-05:00

My sister and her hubby Craig came down from Seattle to celebrate Thanksgiving with me... we had a good time. Sending love to all of you all and I pray that you all had a great one as well!!

Happy 33 Years, Mom and Dad!

2009-11-24T14:35:00.002-05:00

My cute parents, celebrate 33 years of marriage today. :) They're headed to Zion National Park to go camping and then having Thanksgiving dinner down there... read post below to see the awesome e-mail from my mom.

I love them.

From my mom...

2009-11-23T17:38:00.002-05:00

So, my mom (umma) sends me e-mails once in a while, and I LOVE them. I think I need to start printing them out and putting them in a binder/book so I can go back to them one day. She just started using email a few years ago.

Anyway, she and my dad are celebrating their 33rd (or 34th) wedding anniversary this week! YAY MOM AND DAD!! I had sent them a card and below is her e-mail reply... I just HAD to share. :)

***
Hi, Irene
We got your lovely card yesterday.
I love so much that card, 2 flowers and your lovely word.
Thank you never forgets out anniversary and never skip send us your love.
Start today I am work back to my place. Well we are going to leave trip to Zion 1^st and camping.
Most I like a part is Dad made reservation inside Zion national Park hotel lodge restaurant for Thanksgiving Dinner for our anniversary.
Isn’t that romantic? Inside a nature!

I know you guys so exciting too. Well have a great time with your sister, Craig and Mary.
I love you so much!

Mom

YEAH!

2009-11-21T19:15:00.002-05:00

I just finished 4 weeks of exercise bootcamp!!!! I went FIVE DAYS A WEEK without missing one day! Um, and let me add here that it was at 5:30AM-6:30AM.

It is one of those big milestone accomplishments in my life. I am just proud of myself and taking care of myself in that way.

WHOOT WHOOT!!

Even in pajamas....

2009-11-11T13:58:00.001-05:00

I love this child. She is growing so much and I am so privileged to be a part of her day to day life.

Halloween Festival for the kids at church

2009-11-03T17:27:00.003-05:00

Pictures usually say it all. :)

Happy Birthday to my "little" sis!

2009-10-30T21:39:00.005-04:00

HAPPY 28th Birthday to my Sissy Linda!!! She is 28 years old today... which means I'm older than that... which is weird. :) Love you sis!!! Happy happy BIRTHDAY!!!

Some of the folks I serve... :)

2009-10-20T12:45:00.003-04:00

My One Year "Ord"iversary

2009-10-18T12:11:00.002-04:00

One year ago today, I was ordained as a Minister of Word and Sacrament at First Presbyterian Church, Ogden (UTAH BABY!).

I can't believe it's already been one year. In some ways it feels so significant and in other ways it feels like a small fingernail of an entire hand that is learning how to reach out and be the serving hands of Christ in this world. I have a long way to go, but dangit, I made it one year. :)

Life feels so different--and it's been an up and down journey already. There were moments why I wondered why I got on this ride. I still grieve that I will be alone without my family on Christmas day, and rejoice with a full heart when in a prayerful moment, I see transformation happening within the heart of a youth. It is a position and place of sacrifice and of privilege. And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I am sustained by a deep and wide family of faith and support, and as I remember my ordination celebration one year ago, I remember it seriously feeling like a wedding. In some ways it was a wedding--a commitment to the church and my life there. There were flowers and a lunch reception and everything! ha ha ha ha...

I have certain snapshot memories in my mind I want to share...

I remember coming in to the "rehearsal" the night before (the choir was practicing for the service, "Total Praise" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vv9-WlymKg0) and I walked into the church with a line of women at my side... ha ha ha... it makes me laugh remembering that.
I seriously think there were like 6 or 7 women walking with me... you know who you were.
I remember Hardy moksanim giving the sermon and actually telling our Starbucks story publicly...and everyone then wondering why I asked him to preach my ordination... hee hee... ;)
I remember Jeannikus putting the stole on me and Lindsay anointing me with oil...
I remember being so nervous as I officiated communion with Rodger for the first time.
I remember my cello professor and church member doing a duet together...
I remember my mom during the service singing and crying and raising her arms when we sang "How Great Thou Art"...
I remember my pastor and mentor, Rick, giving me an emotional charge...
I remember that same pastor and mentor, Rick, then presenting me with the stole he was presented at his own ordination and giving it to me--oh man, everyone was crying at that point, I think...
I remember looking out and seeing a full sanctuary of people I loved from everywhere who were there in person and those that were there in spirit...people who affirmed this call to ministry after a long and somewhat arduous journey.

The journey has only just begun--but I wanted to pause today to remember, to celebrate, and to express my thanksgiving to all those who continue to pray for me, who support me and who love me. My heart is full today. And special thoughts of gratitude to Daesung Presbyterian Church for entrusting me with mutual nurture and growth as we seek ways to faithfully follow Christ's footsteps. It has been a privilege and a joy.

God, thank you for calling me into this path of ministry. Although we have debates about why I am here, thank you for continuing to guide me and walk with me as I walk with your people. I love you. Amen.

CHEEEEEEEESSEEEE!!!

2009-10-03T19:00:00.001-04:00

Me and my girl

2009-09-29T12:40:00.004-04:00

Nahyun (Natalie) is now 17 months old. Her parents had been traveling around the world (well, to Spain), and she spent about a month in Texas with her grandparents. This meant that she was away from ME for about that long!

She's getting to the age where she could forget you after that long of a separation, but when I went to pick them up from the airport, she gave me a big smile and came right into my arms! I'm pretty sure my heart melted a little at that moment.

Anyway, things are definitely back to normal now. She is so different and changing all the time... although she is still without hair. :) She has earrings now (which you can't see in these pics)... AND... she's going to have a baby sister in February!! So, I get to be "emo" (auntie) again!

Hopefully, the next one will be able to call me "emo"... N called me "appa" for the longest time (which means dad) and after her away time now calls me "Amy" which means "emo" in her language. :)

Um, can you tell I adore this child?! :)

Haircut!!

2009-09-23T19:53:00.003-04:00

It's been almost one year (technically 11 months) since I last cut my hair. It was time.

Before and After:

I enjoyed my long hair, but it will always come back. :)

Hyeyoung and Kurt are married!

2009-09-13T01:36:00.008-04:00

Wonderful seminary friends were married September 12, 2009 in Chicago! I was privileged to share in their special day with them... Congratulations Hyeyoung unni and Kurt!!! Love you both.

My One Year Mark today

2009-08-30T17:31:00.003-04:00

Yep, it's true. I arrived to California to start a new life here exactly one year ago today. Funny how life turns out... just never the way you think it will or expect it to sometimes. SO much has happened in the course of just one year... even the fact that I'm ordained now!

As I led worship this morning, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude to be in this place. Wow. Just, wow.

With all the ups and down of this past year, I pray that keeping my heart focused on God and what it is that God calls me to do that I will continue to faithfully minister to this church and continue to root myself in this place.

Thanks for the love ya'll. It's been a good year.

Rich and Emily are married!

2009-08-13T18:37:00.008-04:00

And I was lucky enough to share in their special and SUPER FUN day. :)

CONGRATS TO MY COUSIN RICH AND OUR NEW COUSIN EMILY!!! LOVE YOU BOTH!!

VBS 2009

2009-07-31T19:33:00.007-04:00

It's been a while, but my life has been consumed with VBS (Vacation Bible School) for the past few weeks in terms of prep and execution, but today was the last day!! HALLELUJAH! It went really well and I'm so thankful for all the volunteers and the kids that came!!

I pray you all are well!

sharing a poem

2009-07-09T18:01:00.002-04:00

Nothing So Wise
Jeanne Lohmann

There is nothing so wise as a circle. -Rilke

The arc of an egg
bends hands
to shape prayer,

the shell
unbroken,
the heavy yolk
floating.

Our fingers
curving always
inward, become a cup,
an open bowl.

Prayer is
circumference
we may not
reach around,

space for all we cannot hold,
the rim of Love toward which we lean.

We're back!

2009-07-01T18:41:00.007-04:00

We have officially returned from an incredible time of service and building relationships! It's a busy time playing catch-up/keep-up for me now, but thought I'd post a few pics. Hopefully I'll be able to write something more reflective soon!!

I really love these youth and this church!! Praise God for being able to do exactly what I love!!

Headed to Wyoming...

2009-06-17T13:22:00.004-04:00

I can't believe it's already the third week of June!!!!

This group of lovely youth and I will be headed out this Saturday, June 20-27th to Wind River, Wyoming on a youth mission trip with YouthWorks to a Native American Reservation to be in service for a week. We know that we will be working to repair homes, do yard work, etc. and work with their kids program they have going there.

Keep us in your prayers!! Most of them have never been on a mission trip or even away from home that long, and this will be my first time leading a trip. I'm blessed because they are a GREAT group of girls with a lot of energy and respectful attitudes.

Anyway, it'll be a while before I update again! Trying to play catch up/keep up while I'm gone.

Thanks for the prayers in advance!

woah.

2009-06-10T13:08:00.001-04:00

Last night, I ran (okay, more like a jogging pace), 4 miles!

I do not know how/why that happened, but I think I hit a runner's high and just kept going and going, and it was AMAZING!! I NEVER thought I'd ever say that nor will I probably say that again anytime soon... but it was freakin' SWEET!!

I'm just proud of myself and had to share. :)

Weekend of friends and food

2009-06-01T13:41:00.009-04:00

I am SO thankful for friends who flew in to celebrate my birthday with me! Rebecca and I have known one another officially for 11 years now (oy) and Melanie and I have known one another for 15 years! It's amazing to have such close friends over several years that you know will always be with you. Thanks for flying in ladies!

Also, thankful for new friends in California who were able to celebrate with me as well. :)

Thanks to everyone for phone calls, cards, and birthday wishes celebrating with me in spirit!! I feel so blessed.

The weekend began with dinner at the Cliff House in San Francisco and expanded to movie watching, more food, and more food... :) Special shout out of thanks to my fabulous youth group who bought me an ipod nano for my birthday!!! They heard I had lost mine in an airplane, and they bought me a new one. SO NICE!!

Here's to another year of life!

I'm 29.

2009-05-28T18:37:00.003-04:00

I am 29 years old today.

My first thought waking up this morning was a little bit of awe that I have made it to 29...awe and gratitude. My heart and mind actually turned to my mom and my dad--29 years ago, they brought me into their world and into this world, and I couldn't help but be super sentimental about that and the love they have poured out on my life and continue to pour out on my life.

A lot happened last year -- a LOT.

For some things I am filled with gratitude, for others, pain, for others, complete joy, and for others, just a lot of love. I guess I'm just thankful that I got to experience the whole range in my "golden" year and look forward to a new year of life and living.

It's my first birthday outside of Chicago in 5 years and I wasn't sure what I was going to do today. Friends I've made here are out of town or busy today and I have 2 fabulous friends flying in tomorrow to celebrate with me all weekend long! WOOHOO!

So, I thought being a loner on my birthday was going to be kind of sad... BUT... I woke up with a thankful heart and so far it's been a good "Irene" day. I woke up, went to an exercise class, showered, got dressed and decided it would be a "lookin' gooooood" type of day. :) I made myself breakfast and then ran some errands--went shopping--and then found a great Mexican bakery in San Jose (The Pink Elephant Bakery) and bought myself two pieces of tres leches cake (mocha & strawberry). For those of you who do not know, I ALWAYS have tres leches cake on my birthday. It's my special treat and the only thing I usually request on my birthday.

Now I'm at a coffee shop, reflecting and getting ready to write my sermon for Pentecost so I can play a little with friends this weekend...

And you know what?

I LOVE IT.

Today, being with myself on my 29th birthday makes me feel alive, independent, happy, and confirms that I am in a good place.

I couldn't ask for more.

Memorial Day weekend

2009-05-26T12:16:00.006-04:00

Yay for a great weekend of movie watching, pedicures, GOOD FOOD, shopping, and short but sweet visits from out of town friends!!

(Hannah didn't buy that dress, despite my protests...)

Hope you all had a great Memorial Day weekend as well!! Now to the upcoming birthday weekend!!

Brian Andreas quote for the day

2009-05-20T18:30:00.001-04:00

They left me
with your shadow,
saying things like
Life is not fair

& I believed them
for a long time.

But today,
I remembered
the way you laughed
& the heat
of your hand
in mine

& I knew that
life is more fair
than we can
ever imagine
if
we are there to live it.

surprise visits

2009-05-11T18:17:00.005-04:00

I had the joy of seeing near and dear friends close to my heart this past week very unexpectedly!

Lindsay and Tim were in town... I went to seminary with Lindsay and we had just about every class together our first year... and pretty much throughout seminary. They live in Troy, NY now, so it's a long way away. We only had a day, but it was still fabulous.

I also got to see the beautiful Valerie and her daughter Carly. Hurray!

It makes my heart glad to have such wonderful friends. Love you all!!

Psalm 19:2-5a

2009-05-06T01:48:00.002-04:00

I'm currently on a pastor's retreat with the San Jose Presbytery in this beautiful place with plenty of hiking trails and beautiful gardens and scenery.

Anyway, we've been taking time to be present in creation and be in prayer. Tonight we did a meditation where we reflected on the words from Psalm 19:2-5a and then paid attention to what spoke to us in the passage and then took moments to pay attention to our surroundings outside. Then we were asked to allow the "book of creation" to interpret the "book of scripture"...both being from God... and see what we found.

There was a lot I discovered, but I found myself in that particular action re-writing the Psalm to what I observed, felt, saw, heard... etc. So, I thought I'd share what I wrote:

Psalm 19:2-5a (NAB)

The heavens declare the glory of God;

the sky proclaims its builder's craft.

One day to the next conveys that message;

One night to the next imparts that knowledge.

There is no word or sound;

no voice is heard.

Yet their report goes forth through all the earth,

their message, to the ends of the world.

***

The clouds declare the movement of God

the flowers display the Creator's artistry.

Even the dead foliage produces life;

And the old tree has stories to share.

There are bird songs and bug sounds;

The hills sing loudly.

They share the message of a living God,

Resurrection to all those who will listen.

Sharing Joys and Concerns

2009-04-30T19:50:00.003-04:00

I have to share the sweet sweet story of one of my third graders today.

So, every week in worship, we have a time where we share our joys and concerns and then we pray together. The younger kids especially love this time.

I was online today and Rachel, one of the third graders, chatted with me and asked me if I could pray for her and her school because apparently they've shut down for 8 days due to some of the kids at the school having swine flu (this thing is really spreading fast in California).

Anyway, I told her that I'd definitely be praying and thanks for letting me know.

She wrote, "Thanks Pastor Irene! So how are you? Do you have any joys or concerns?"

This touched my heart. I loved it. I love that she feels cared for, and then also feels compelled to care for others as well.

:)

Just wanted to share that with you all today.

Missing Halmoni

2009-04-23T19:45:00.010-04:00

It's been a couple of years now since my grandma passed on, and yet, I still have these moments of deep sadness. I mentioned in a blog last year about how so many stories were lost with her death that I never got to hear and that were never told or shared.

Anyway, the emotions were triggered this time in Target. Mother's Day is coming up, and me being the on top of it person with cards that I am, :), was looking through them to find cards for my mom and my aunts and friends who are moms.

Then I saw the ones for grandmas...

I sent my grandma cards for EVERYTHING... even St. Patty's day...and I was really really sad that I wasn't going to buy a card for her this Mother's Day. It's weird how little things trigger those emotions and memories deep within you.

Anyway, I have to post this picture of her again. I have it framed in my apartment. It's my favorite picture of her because I think so much of her spirit shows in it. She's wearing a t-shirt that all of us grandkids made for her on Mother's Day and it's a picture of all of us and says #1

Grandma. :)

Halmoni, bo go ship uh yo... Grandma, I miss you.

Happy 1st Birthday, Nahyun!

2009-04-18T14:33:00.005-04:00

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY, NAHYUN BABY!!

I know I said I'd try and stop blogging only about the children in my life, but it's Nahyun's 1st Birthday!! There's going to a big celebration as it's a Korean tradition to celebrate the baby's 1st year (dohl) in a huge way. Pics of that will come later! As for now, Happy Birthday Nahyun baby! Love, Irene imo.

Yejin

2009-04-14T14:13:00.003-04:00

So, I know I should blog something about my Easter, and I plan to do that soon, but today, I have to share this beautiful picture of Yejin!!!

She is the daughter of my dear friend Rebby (Rebecca) and Jung-Bum in Portland and I almost started crying when I saw this picture because she is getting so big without me!!!

Anyway, I realize that many of my blog posts are about or include children, but man, I love kiddos. I just love them. Just needed to share some of the cuteness today!

Journeying through Holy Week

2009-04-09T10:42:00.002-04:00

I've been journeying through the season of Lent and now through this Holy Week for the first time as a pastor... and I wanted to share that it has been such an incredible, different, and wonderful experience. I can't help but feel completely blessed right now. It is absolutely jammed with "busy," and at the same time, jammed with a joy I can't express fully.

As I enter into the final days and now it's officially "crunch time".... as I finish preparing for our Good Friday service tomorrow and the Easter sermon for our sunrise service... as I get ready to prepare dinner and decorate Easter eggs with the kids on Saturday, I feel like I should be stressed out, and instead, I want to shed tears of honestly feeling the grace of God pour over me.

Emotionally, it's been such a rough couple of months, and going through the motions of this season as a pastor has brought me a different resurrection from any other year. For that I'm so thankful.

Deep peace to all of you as we journey through the rest of this holy Holy Week.

Beautiful day

2009-04-03T21:16:00.008-04:00

It was such a beautiful day today!! Mannam, Nahyun (Natalie), Jenny & and her son Jeffrey and I went for a short walk on this trail. It was nice to get out, get some exercise, and enjoy the sunshine!

Hawaii Top 10

2009-03-24T19:16:00.014-04:00

For more great pictures from my amazing vacation, check out these two links!

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=111744&id=694720349&l=5181c23d8e
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=111747&id=694720349&l=8521f4464c

It was an incredible relaxing time and I am so thankful for the hospitality of Mary and Dwight for allowing us to stay in the guest condo! I'm back with a nice tan and officially back and in full swing in the office/church. It was lovely!!

In case you're wondering...

2009-03-18T02:57:00.005-04:00

In case you're wondering if I'm having a good time in Hawaii...

Yeah, and it's just the first full day... :)

hats

2009-03-14T13:43:00.003-04:00

I was at the mall yesterday with Nahyun (Natalie) and her mom and I had a blast putting all sorts of hats on her and taking pictures. These are only TWO of the many I had her try on. I swear she really did LOVE it and would laugh every time I put a hat on her, but then got camera shy every time! :) How can you not just love this baby??

cupcakes

2009-03-13T13:24:00.003-04:00

For those of you who don't know, I LOVE to bake and just had to show off some cupcakes I made for a baby shower! The blue frosting ones are chocolate, the green are vanilla and the white ones are choc/vanilla mix cupcakes! All from scratch, including the cream cheese frosting! Everyone loved them and it was hard not to eat them all myself. :)

Hawaii in 4 days!!!

Congrats to Rich and Emily!

2009-03-06T13:31:00.003-05:00

CONGRATULATIONS to my cousin Rich and his recent engagement to Emily!! Em, we're excited to have you as a new addition to the Pak clan!

EXCITING!!!

A Woman Alone

2009-03-04T17:57:00.002-05:00

A Woman Alone by Denise Levertov

When she cannot be sure
which of two lovers it was with whom she felt
this or that moment of pleasure, of something fiery
streaking from head to heels, the way the white
flame of a cascade streaks a mountainside
seen from a car across a valley, the car
changing gear, skirting a precipice,climbing . . .
When she can sit or walk for hours after a movie
talking earnestly and with bursts of laughter
with friends, without worrying
that it's late, dinner at midnight, her time
spent without counting the change . . .
When half her bed is covered with books
and no one is kept awake by the reading light
and she disconnects the phone, to sleep till noon . . .
Then self-pity dries up, a joy
untainted by guilt lifts her.
She has fears, but not about loneliness;
fears about how to deal with the aging
of her body—how to deal
with photographs and the mirror. She feels
so much younger and more beautiful
than the looks.
At her happiest—or even in the midst of
some less than joyful hour, sweating
patiently through a heatwave in the city
or hearing the sparrows at daybreak, dully gray,
toneless, the sound of fatigue—
a kind of sober euphoria makes her believe
in her future as an old woman, a wanderer
seamed and brown,
little luxuries of the middle of life all gone,
watching cities and rivers, people and mountains,
without being watched; not grim nor sad,
an old wine drinking woman, who knows
the old roads, grass-grown, and laughs to herself . . .
She knows it can't be:
that's Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby from The Water Babies,
no one can walk the world any more,
a world of fumes and decibels.
But she thinks maybe
she could get to be tough and wise, some way,
anyway. Now at least
she is past the time of mourning,
now she can say without shame or deceit,
O blessed Solitude.

How I feel...

2009-02-24T20:01:00.001-05:00

"I don't want another opportunity to learn & grow, she said. I just want to eat crackers & watch Oprah & pet my cat."

(Brian Andreas)

my first stitches

2009-02-20T13:07:00.005-05:00

So, I was having a rough emotional day yesterday... and when I have rough emotional days, I should realize and remember that usually affects everything else I do, so I just need to sit still, watch a movie or stop and let myself be sad. When I don't do that, I realize how much of my emotions spill over on to other things I do, and most of the time, it's just not helpful.

Anyway, I'm still feeling sad/mad/upset about stuff, but I was making dinner last night and cutting an avocado and you know how you bring the knife down on the seed to get it out? My mind totally drifted right at that moment to what was making me sad and I came right down on my thumb.

I didn't even want to know the damage... I immediately ran it under some water and wrapped a paper towel around it and put pressure on it. It HURT! I called my sis to ask her what to do... I have never cut myself like that before. Longer story short, I finally got up the nerve to look at it when I thought I got the bleeding to stop and it looked GROSS. So, I called a church member who lives in the area and asked him where the nearest hospital was...He was in a meeting...

Then I remembered my friend Mannam and called her and she told me where the nearest urgent care was. Longer story shorter, I was able to drive myself there, she came and sat with me, and I got 3 stitches on my thumb.

I won't go into details because they still make me queasy... I could not handle it well and had to look away the entire time. I felt like I was 5 years old...although I think a 5 year old would have handled it better. :)

Now on painkillers and unable to use this thumb right now or get it wet until tomorrow, so it's a task, but thankful for support all around. I realized this is one disadvantage to living alone and still being new to an area, but thankful for people who are able to surround me.

Anyway, thanks again to Mannam and everyone who helped me out last night!

I would ask for prayers... for continued strength ... not for my thumb (hee hee), but for me and emotional strength in this time of what feels really hard... Thank you!

Dedicated to Nahyun!

2009-02-18T19:59:00.015-05:00

So, if you haven't noticed, I love kiddos. I mean, I LOVE kiddos... I'm actually kind of sad that I'm not already a mommy and totally going through that phase of "I really want kids." Good thing I have the job I have and get to interact with them regularly, although I'm not sure that helps! :)

I'm sure I've mentioned her in a previous blog post, but I spend a little bit almost everyday with Nahyun (Natalie), Mannam and Stephen's baby girl. She's 10 months old now and she's crawling and getting bigger and more interactive by the minute! It's really fun and a privilege to be allowed to be part of a child's life so intimately, so for that, I'm incredibly thankful for Mannam and Stephen. I feel like she really knows who I am.

It's hilarious because we're trying really hard to get her to say "imo" which means "auntie" in Korean but she keeps looking at me and calling me "oppah" which means "big brother"... it's hilarious. She'll get it one of these days and my heart will leap with joy!!

Anyway, thought I'd post some pics!

If you click on this link, you can see a little video of her and me...she's usually a lot more talkative!

http://www.motionbox.com/videos/309dd1b5131fe8cabe

This is when I first met her in spring/early summer of 2008:

And more recently (like a month or so ago):

And just the other day:

I love my job... and my sis!

2009-02-10T14:45:00.012-05:00

I mean, look at these pictures and tell me how I could NOT love my job!! :) Just thought it was about time to send some updated pictures of my life and the folks I engage with on a weekly basis! Just a taste as I enter into my sixth month!

I was also SO thankful that my sister Linda could come and visit me for the weekend from Seattle! We had a great time relaxing and going into San Francisco for some good food and walking around!

my parentals

2009-02-04T13:21:00.002-05:00

My random/funny news of the day is that when I told my parents about my upcoming vacation to Hawaii, they thought it would be great for them to make their first visit too! So, pending approved vacation time for both of them, they might be joining me in Hawaii! It took all about 3 hours to put this plan into action upon first hearing... :)

I love my umma and appa!!

Upcoming Vacation... to Hawaii!

2009-01-27T13:34:00.003-05:00

I just booked tickets to Hawaii in March! WOOHOO!!

This picture is from the last time I went a couple of years ago for Mary's wedding. Look at this fabulous women I got to travel with! This time it will be to a different island with fewer friends, but honestly, how can one not be super excited? :) Anyway, just wanted to share my joy! It'll be nice to take a week vacation.

Proud to be an American

2009-01-20T19:53:00.003-05:00

WHAT AN AMAZING DAY!!! Welcome to our new 44th President, Barack Obama!

I was incredibly emotional and moved to be a part of this historical event. I wish I could have shared it with someone, but sitting in my living room alone was good too. I am still so thrilled, excited, and hopeful. Again, what an AMAZING DAY!!!

And I want to always remember the moving benediction given by the Rev. Joseph Lowery so I found the text and copied it here so I can read it again when I need a word:

"God of our weary years, God of our silent tears, thou, who has brought us thus far along the way, thou, who has by thy might led us into the light, keep us forever in the path we pray, lest our feet stray from the places, our God, where we met thee, lest our hearts drunk with the wine of the world, we forget thee.

Shadowed beneath thy hand, may we forever stand true to thee, oh God, and true to our native land.

We truly give thanks for the glorious experience we've shared this day.

We pray now, oh Lord, for your blessing upon thy servant Barack Obama, the 44th president of these United States, his family and his administration.

He has come to this high office at a low moment in the national, and indeed the global, fiscal climate. But because we know you got the whole world in your hands, we pray for not only our nation, but for the community of nations.

Our faith does not shrink though pressed by the flood of mortal ills. For we know that, Lord, you are able and you're willing to work through faithful leadership to restore stability, mend our brokenness, heal our wounds, and deliver us from the exploitation of the poor, of the least of these, and from favoritism toward the rich, the elite of these.

We thank you for the empowering of thy servant, our 44th president, to inspire our nation to believe that yes we can work together to achieve a more perfect union. And while we have sown the seeds of greed — the wind of greed and corruption, and even as we reap the whirlwind of social and economic disruption, we seek forgiveness and we come in a spirit of unity and solidarity to commit our support to our president by our willingness to make sacrifices, to respect your creation, to turn to each other and not on each other.

And now, Lord, in the complex arena of human relations, help us to make choices on the side of love, not hate; on the side of inclusion, not exclusion; tolerance, not intolerance.

And as we leave this mountain top, help us to hold on to the spirit of fellowship and the oneness of our family. Let us take that power back to our homes, our workplaces, our churches, our temples, our mosques, or wherever we seek your will.

Bless President Barack, First Lady Michelle. Look over our little angelic Sasha and Malia.

We go now to walk together as children, pledging that we won't get weary in the difficult days ahead. We know you will not leave us alone.

With your hands of power and your heart of love, help us then, now, Lord, to work for that day when nations shall not lift up sword against nation, when tanks will be beaten into tractors, when every man and every woman shall sit under his or her own vine and fig tree and none shall be afraid, when justice will roll down like waters and righteousness as a mighty stream.

Lord, in the memory of all the saints who from their labors rest, and in the joy of a new beginning, we ask you to help us work for that day when black will not be asked to get in back, when brown can stick around ... when yellow will be mellow ... when the red man can get ahead, man; and when white will embrace what is right. That all those who do justice and love mercy say Amen."

WICKED!

2009-01-12T16:36:00.006-05:00

I've seen this musical WAY too many times (almost ashamed to admit how many times), but had the WONDERFUL opportunity to celebrate Jen's birthday with her (a few days late) by watching WICKED again! I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! Analise, Jen and I had a great time.

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T16:16:00.004-05:00

SEH HEH BOK MANI BADUHSEHYO!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Happy New Year greetings from 2-year old Irene in her hambok! Many blessings to you each and every one of you in the new year. Love and deep peace.

P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, oori Jeniya!

In the middle of a busy season...

2008-12-18T16:01:00.005-05:00

Ah, Advent.

Everyone always said that the Advent Season is busy for pastors, but I honestly didn't expect it to be THIS busy. :). Maybe I like to fool myself. In the next few days before Christmas, we have church celebrations, a choir concert where I've been asked to do some narration, I'm preaching on Sunday, meetings, and a Youth Winter Retreat that I'm leading. Oh, and then there's the Christmas Eve service and caroling. It feels overwhelming, and yet, I find myself joyful and at peace.

What a gift!

Anyway, here's a picture taken last night... a teenager, Rebecca and a preschooler, Esther and me. THIS is part of why I still feel so joyful and at peace.

Continued blessings in this Advent Season everyone!

Thankful for friends and mentors

2008-12-09T17:36:00.004-05:00

Yep, that's me on the right hand side of this picture! I got some good air!
Last week, I had the opportunity to spend some time with some great mentors and friends and have some great conversations about our ministries and be a support to one another. Although not all of them are in this picture, all of them have been journeying with me over the past 5 years or so with me. They love me as I am and have supported me to where I am now. When I focus on that, I couldn't ask for more than to be surrounded by people like this.

Cinquain Poems about God, Confirmation Class 2008

2008-12-03T00:05:00.003-05:00

There are only three of us in this first Confirmation Class, but it's fun and they're awesome! Here are the cinquain poems we wrote tonight about God. I love these youth.

Savior
Mighty, Protective
Forgiving, Calling, Supporting
Has undying love for His children
Redeemer

-Rebecca Lee

***

Creator
Lovely, Mysterious
Hoping, Yearning, Loving
Covers me with deep peace
Shelter

-Pastor Irene Pak

***

Father
Humble, Awesome
Caring, Crying, Forgiving
The One who gave me life
Abba

-Eunice Hahn

Installation pics!

2008-11-18T14:28:00.005-05:00

Thought I would post some pictures from my installation service! Photos courtesy Dwight Morita.

me and my parents too! I feel like i don't look like either of them in this picture.

A GOOD WEEK

2008-11-06T16:30:00.003-05:00

YES WE CAN!

I am pretty much still buzzing and joy-filled from Tuesdays election of our new President-elect, Barack Obama. I found a place with a TV and sat there in tears and a full heart of hope. I think what I especially liked about Obama's speech is his attempt for unity and acknowledging that the road is not going to be easy, but Mr. President, you definitely have my prayers as you face the rough path ahead of you and guide this nation.

I'm not totally big on stating my political leanings out like that, but Tuesday night, it was bursting from me. I hope that this election doesn't make people think that racism is a non-issue, but acknowledge that we are moving forward.

Anyway, it's been a good week and will continue to be for lots of different reasons... I get to get out of this area tonight and drive up to Berkeley to have dinner with a new friend (yay for new friends!) and tomorrow night I have the privilege of babysitting! YES, babysitting...

And there is a picture of me and the cute little monkey I get to play with for an evening! Hurray! Her name is Nahyun (Natalie). Her parents tell me that I'm doing them a huge favor, but little do they know how much they're doing me a favor.

It's a packed weekend at the church with youth service projects and an outreach event, but it will all get done!

Keep praying for me as I begin my third month of work now... :)

Saying THANK YOU

2008-10-16T01:30:00.001-04:00

It feels impossible to write and explain the depth of gratitude I am feeling as I get ready to celebrate my ordination. It has been quite the journey (in other words, it has been quite the rollercoaster ride) to get to this place, which I know is only just another beginning.

I'm not sure that "Thank You" expresses even an inch of the gratitude that feels like is pouring out from my heart...but I must still say it. Thank YOU for being part of the journey. However big or small you feel your presence has been in my life, however long ago or recent that was, thank you.

It has been through meeting you, knowing you, talking with you, crying with you, laughing with you, praying with you, dancing with you, singing with you, arguing with you, hugging you, worshipping with you, being frustrated by you, and loving you, that I am able to be the pastor I am today. Thank you for surrounding me in this time in body and in spirit.

Miracles happen. God is good. Thank you.

With love, Irene

Getting ordained...

2008-10-13T16:13:00.002-04:00

This beautiful picture is a chunk of the graduating class of McCormick Seminary, May 2007. We're all crammed into my former apartment... aren't we a lovely bunch?

Anyway, as my ordination is quickly approaching (this Saturday!), I can't help but think of these folks...these folks who made my life more rich and wonderful and challenging during my seminary training years. We were a community like I know I will never have again, but am so thankful to have experienced in my life. There are a lot of us in this picture that struggled to get to the point of ordination, and it's kind of awesome because a lot of us just received our first calls or just got ordained within the past few months. There are people in this picture working as chaplains, pastors on campuses, in churches, in social agencies, some traveling the world or serving in the world, and some still discerning. :)

I miss them so much, and as I approach my own ordination, I am thankful that even though we are apart now, we are tied together in so many ways.

I can't wait! Next time I write, I'll be "Rev." and I'll definitely post some pictures from the ordination. :)

Pockets of joy

2008-09-29T21:52:00.002-04:00

It has officially been about one month since I moved here to California. In some ways, it feels MUCH longer and in some ways, it feels like it's only been one month.

Thanks to everyone with their encouraging words with my former post about Irene & Loneliness. I'm still lonely and I have days where I crave "outside church" company, but today, I want to share a pocket of joy I do have. See this pic of youth girls? Yep, although not all of them, this is some of the youth I have the privilege of ministering with and to... They are a GREAT, loud, fun bunch and most of them are in junior high, so it will be really fun to see them grow up in the next few years. I forgot what it's like to be around youth on such a regular basis, and I have to say that in a lot of ways, they are my saving grace in those times when I feel really blegh. Their energy and the fact that they are looking to me to be there for them and lead them reminds me of how much I have been given and how much I want to give back.

It sounds cheesy and corny, but these days, I have to find those little pockets of joy. I'm happy to say and show you one of those pockets. :)

Irene & Loneliness

2008-09-18T17:14:00.002-04:00

Irene & Loneliness...
We've actually been quite the pair lately. It sounds super sad and semi-pathetic and almost wants to make you call me and keep me company on the phone, right? (Maybe I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt). :)
Transitioning to a new place is HARD when you're in ministry and when for the past about 5 years of your life, you've had INCREDIBLE community. You get used to living intentionally, eating with folks everyday, welcoming people into your home, having deep and honest conversations about everything and then one day it can just stop cold turkey. Just telling you out there in case you haven't experienced it yet or in case no one told you. :)
It's been quite the shock actually and everyone else thinks I'm handling it well, but I'm not quite sure I am. I mean, I own NO FURNITURE right now... like, I have a bed frame but no mattress. Thankfully, someone let me borrow an air mattress or I'd still be sleeping on the carpet with my comforter. Also included in the "no furniture" category is "no TV, no internet at home, and no CD player." Aigo.
So I thought I'd list things that my life consists of now/lessons I'm learning for humor's sake:
1. I eat on the carpet/floor, lunch and dinner. I guess it's good I cook at home now. Saves $$ and I swear I'm losing weight just b/c of it.
2. Every bit of hospitality from anyone is a HUGE moment of gratitude for me. Like that air mattress I sleep on, THANK GOD for air mattresses & for people who let you borrow them temporarily until you can buy your own bed! :) And that one dude who walked past you and said HI... THANK YOU!
3. Writing sermons to preach every week is hard. Especially when there's not really anyone to process it with and you don't have experiences or interact with enough folks to have new stories... gotta make them up! j/k...sorta...
4. When you're a pastor, you're ALWAYS a pastor. No matter where you go. I ran into someone from the congregation who works at the post office when I was picking up boxes!
5. Taking walks alone can be all right.
6. I seriously don't understand Korean very well. Especially sermons. (I attend Wed. night worship services that are all in Korean to try to connect with the Korean congregation. I feel like an idiot).
7. You still have to be a pastor even when you don't feel like being one. Personal stuff has to be set aside and you have to keep serving. Yes folks, I'm only beginning week 3.
8. Eating alone sucks.
9. I go to bed early and wake up early. So weird.
10. God is still good to me.
Anyway, this is totally a boring post, but my life aside from work...which is going all right actually... is boring.

In California!

2008-09-06T12:17:00.005-04:00

Um, guess what everyone?

I now live in Sunnyvale, California.

So, God is good and I found a place to live that I love. It has absolutely no furniture inside of it and right now I'm sleeping on an air mattress, but I love it and it will be exciting over the months to slowly add things to it. Which means my housewarming won't be until sometime in November or December... Oh well!

I have officially begun my role as an associate pastor at Daesung Presbyterian Church (see picture). Tomorrow is actually my first Sunday, so first sermon, and in a lot of cases, meeting folks for the first time. This is when I wish I had a great memory for faces and names. Especially Korean names.

I am SUPER excited because Jen and Analise are coming in today to help me settle in some more! HURRAY! I actually miss Louisville a lot in so many ways... I think particularly the community and wonderful friends ways... Analise and Jen threw me a wonderful sending and blessing and as I sat there seeing everyone who showed up, I was surprised at how many folks I had the privilege of meeting and knowing in the course of one year.

Anyway, I've hit the ground running and will continue to do so! Please if you think of me whisper a quick prayer as I adjust to a new life and new work. Ordination is October 18 in Utah and Installation is tentatively November 2 in California!

Loves.

Packing up, moving out...

2008-08-21T12:02:00.002-04:00

The countdown has begun.
I am moving in 9 days to start yet a new chapter in my life. The thing is, usually I feel semi-ready for a new chapter, and right now, as exciting as the new chapter is, I'm not sure I'm ready for it yet. Actually, I'm just not sure I'm ready to leave this chapter yet.
I think it's funny how God brings you to some places kicking and screaming and when you finally stop kicking and screaming, you realize how perfect the place was for you...and how much you will miss the place.
What I can't believe is how many people I'm attached to now here in Louisville. Perhaps some more than others, and yet, all make up the whole aspect of my life here.
Anyway, pray for me as I make this transition... and pray for me as I begin to pack today to ship things by this weekend.
Officially signing out... unemployed (for a week), and hoping to enjoy the bits and moments I have.

friends and baseball

2008-07-28T20:56:00.004-04:00

Ah, so good friends and baseball in Louisville, Kentucky. Sometimes, it's the simple things in life that I love and hope I never take for granted. It was $1 hotdogs and $1 soda night too because of some special random thing. Of course, I didn't get a hot dog, but the $1 soda was great!

Ya know, I'm really going to miss this place and these people...

Your sentimental message sponsored by sappy Irene.

Finding Bethel

2008-07-19T17:53:00.002-04:00

Bethel=House of God

I am apartment hunting. For those of you who have tried to find a place to live across the country from where you're currently living, you know this is not an easy task... it's also not an easy task if you're trying to find a place to live in Silicon Valley in California.

So, I am here right now, driving from place to place, discovering slowly that looking for an apartment one month in advance is almost too early for all of these places. I'm also realizing how important and how much of a difference a friendly face and attitude makes to someone who is brand new to an area and place.

I'm also starting to feel like a grown up maybe for the first time in my 28 years of life. :)

Anyway, finding Bethel (the house of God) may sound presumptious to write and title a blog, but I'm also preaching this Sunday on Jacob's dream of the ladder and God's presence and as I am looking for a place to live, I feel like I am looking for that place where God dwells... and even though I know God is everywhere and through it all, I am seeking that moment in this lonely time where I can be more aware of God's presence in this place. Bethel here.

Trusting...trusting... just really trusting...

Afraid.

2008-07-08T20:26:00.002-04:00

Your Feet
Walk gently over the flowers of life,
Take each step with ease,
Run rampantly, forcefully over the path,
Creating your very own breeze.
Take the path less trodden,
Or follow the common road,
All signs point to somewhere,
All can handle your load.
In the end the choice is now,
Not for left or right,
But for something true to you,
That gets you through the night.
Just don’t break the flowers,
Or swelter in the heat,
There are no excuses,
Only you control your feet.

By Tina Louise

Who Said it Was Simple

2008-06-11T14:35:00.003-04:00

I wanted to share a beautiful Audre Lorde poem with you all today. Expresses a lot in different ways...

WHO SAID IT WAS SIMPLE

There are so many roots to the tree of anger
that sometimes the branches shatter
before they bear.
Sitting in Nedicks
the women rally before they march
discussing the problematic girls
they hire to make them free.
An almost white counterman passes
a waiting brother to serve them first
and the ladies neither notice nor reject
the slighter pleasures of their slavery.
But I who am bound by my mirror
as well as my bed
see causes in color
as well as sex

and sit here wondering
which me will survive
all these liberations

-AUDRE LORDE

Livin' our life like it's golden...

2008-05-20T21:06:00.004-04:00

So, I haven't been able to blog in a long time b/c I don't have internet access at home and I can't access my blog page at work to update during lunch breaks. Alas... they blocked sites.

Anyway, Analise and I are celebrating our GOLDEN YEAR this year! Analise is turning 21 years old tomorrow! 21 on the 21st! One week later, I will be turning 28 years old on the 28th! We had a great joint party this past weekend and we danced our hearts out! I'd post more pictures, but I'm updating on a friend's computer.

Ok, so this isn't that interesting, but I felt like I needed to update a little! I will try and be more interesting the next time I get the opportunity to blog! Hopefully that will be sooner rather than later... :) Headed to Chicago tomorrow!!

Mermaid Butt Crack

2008-03-30T16:39:00.005-04:00

What do you see when you look at this picture? Oh, a mermaid butt crack? This is also what our team saw when Sara drew this picture in a friendly game of win-lose-or draw. It was HILARIOUS... and yes, the phrase was "Baby Got Back."

Team Baby Fish Mouth and Team Deep Fried Coca-Cola finally came together one night in a game of win-lose-or draw. Although there were moments of tension, hilarity, and ultimately, victory, this was the highlight of the evening and I just had to share!

The woman figure on the left of the board is supposed to be a woman with a baby in high heels... uhhmmm... does anyone see that?! :) We just kept yelling "Mermaid Butt crack!" over and over again, and obviously, that wasn't it, but we were in such an uproar that we couldn't get over it. We didn't get the phrase in time, but hey, my abs got a good work out while trying to guess!

Anyway, here are the two teams... our team mate Adam was unable to be there due to illness, so Anna's visiting friend filled in. Here we are:

so...

2008-03-25T20:52:00.002-04:00

So since I have moved away from the luxury of seminary living (no, I'm not kidding), I only have internet now at work. Yep, on my breaks and stuff is when I write my blogs and I have no access on weekends or when I get home. This is only unfortunate because now work internet dealio has cut off the access to blog. I can go to my blog and see it, but I can no longer post new blogs.

Just thought I'd give ya'll a heads up as to why I'm not posting regularly! My dear friend Adam is letting me do this which is why I can.

So, hope to be able to post fun stuff soon!

thumbs up

2008-03-12T16:36:00.002-04:00

Um, I'm giving myself a thumbs up right now b/c it might somehow mean that I'm a winner... I need this affirmation from my own thumb (and my good friend Alex's thumb) to remind myself that I am not a loser.

Need some context?

Got rejected at yet ANOTHER job possibility today. Dude.

It's hard to keep a good attitude going when you've been rejected over and over for approximately one year. No, I'm not kidding. Maybe I'm just not looking in right places, in the right situations, in the right contexts, but seriously folks. Oh, and I know it's true, but I really do hate it when people tell you that this is going to be worth it and that I'll look back at this time with perhaps "relief" because when I find the right call, it will totally be amazing. I semi-believe that, but why can't I just say, "THIS SUCKS" because it really does suck right now.

So, yeah, giving myself a thumbs up to remind myself that hey, another rejection still might mean that I'm okay.

Back from the Philippines...

2008-03-04T11:23:00.011-05:00

Well, I am back!
As I will continue to process and reflect and write about my time there, I thought I'd begin with a prayer I wrote toward the end of my time there. I think in many ways this prayer continues to be the prayer in my heart, even as I am busy back at work again in the U.S. Will write again soon!
***
Holy Creator,

As I feel the breeze flow on my face and through my hair, I feel your Spirit fall and flowing through me. As the sound of waves crash and hiss on the beach, I hear you speaking...

as I see the height of the mountains and the vastness of the ocean, I feel your arms extending out and embracing me in... I cannot say it enough, God. Thank you.

And what a week it has been, God, to culminate to this place. In situations I have encountered this week where I thought it may be impossible to see you, I found you there. I found you in the trash and landfills where a massive community lived and scavenged for food and shelter out of our waste...
I found you in the deep brown eyes of a beautiful girl smiling at me...

I found you in the soil and crops and in the sun beaten hands of a farmer...I found you in the grief and love of a father for his lost and murdered son in a protest for justice... I found you in the juicy taste of a yellow mango... and I found you at work within your people here in the Philippines... through my sisters and brothers in Christ who have chosen sides, and chosen to work for justice and for those who are oppressed.

Thank you for their courage, their wisdom, their strength, and their prophetic witness, God.

I have been inspired and changed. I have been renewed in Spirit and understand the work of justice as more important now than ever. Help me not forget, God. Help me to keep alert and remind me of your people in the Philippines when I begin to fall asleep.

God, sometimes "Thank you" seems so trite compared to what it is I feel in my full heart, but I say it and will say it again and again... Thank you.

Thank you that you are God, and I am not.

I love you.

I pray this in the name of the one who embodied your peace.

Amen.

On my way to the Philippines...

2008-02-15T15:19:00.000-05:00

As I prepare to leave the country to see and be a listening partner with our sister church in the Philippines who is experiencing extra-judicial killings of their church leaders, I am very aware today of the shootings that have occurred at Northern Illinois University. It's moments like these where I am literally stumped...wondering what in the world is happening, and desiring to be a partner for change. I am particularly thankful that a friend, Gina, a student there, is okay. As we continue to pray for the situation there, she asked if I might be in prayer for her as she has also been asked to be available as a counselor for other students. If you all could remember her too, that would be great.

I'm writing because I leave this weekend for the Philippines and will be there for about 10 days. Yep, the time has already come! I can't believe it. I will be flying to Chicago tomorrow and leaving for the Philippines on Sunday. I'd ask that you please hold all of the members of our delegation in prayer: Ann, Jared, Larry, Matt, Richard, Roger, Shelley, Stuart and myself. I would also ask special prayers for my friend Joel who was also supposed to be part of this delegation. His grandmother died yesterday and he and his family are making funeral arrangements now. Although I'm not sure about his official status regarding the trip, I'm pretty sure he will be with his family.

Anyway, I wanted to write and ask for prayers and let you all know that I'm on my way! I promise to fill you in on details and reflections upon my return!

***

I was also asked to write a prayer for the peacemaking website in light of yesterday's events. Wanted to share it. Peace be with you all!

A Prayer for Northern Illinois University

God of mystery and God of love,

In light of what we have heard, seen, and experienced in the shootings at Northern Illinois University yesterday, we can’t help but feel shocked, confused, deeply sad, and perhaps hopeless. This event is only a painful reminder of the losses at other campus shootings across the nation in our too recent past, and we wonder what in the world is going on. What is happening when we are dying in classrooms?

And yet God, with these questions and with a powerful sense that ultimately everything is out of our control, we come to you, daring to ask the difficult questions and allowing your Spirit to embrace us. We pray for a love that can drive out the darkness around us, so that in this time of another tragedy, we can hold one another up yet again. Instill in us a continued hope so that we may have continued strength and courage as your Church to be partners and witnesses of something different . . . of something life-giving.

We lift up the students, the families, the friends, and all those affected this day. We pray that you would blanket them with your peace and continue to be with them as the anger, sadness and healing process begins. We don’t understand, God. But we love you and trust your presence and mercy in this time.

We pray all this in the name of the one whose peace passes all understanding,
Amen.

Irene Pak
Office of Racial Justice and Advocacy, Intern
General Assembly Council

Sharing some love

2008-02-14T16:45:00.002-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day good people!
I thought on this day that I'd share one of my favorite Shakespeare love poems... if you ever want to win me over, read this poem to me. Not in a creepy way. :)

Sonnet 116

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments.
Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved."

William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)

Ash Wednesday

2008-02-06T16:17:00.000-05:00

"You are dust and to dust you shall return" (Genesis 3:19b)

As I sit here with ashes marked as a cross on my forehead (which has faded b/c I keep forgetting its there and touching it), I can't help but wonder how symbolic that is in and of itself. Lent as a season of reflection and remembering who we are and who God is sounds like a great thing to do. But just as the ashes are physically marked on me and fade throughout the day, I can't help but wonder how much of my own life with God is like that...only to be remembered in times of crisis or high holy days. Ugh, I don't even know if this is making any sense.

I guess that's why folks take things on or give things up... to continually remind themselves in this season what it is we are doing. It's just way too easy for me though to give up something fairly simple and continue to forget about why I'm doing it. Obviously, I still have some reflecting to do in terms of what will keep me in continued communion with God in this season.

"You desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart" (Psalm 51:6).

As I reflect and pray about what that truth will look like for me in this season, I pray that you will also take this time as an opportunity to remember. I'd love to hear what you are doing as your Lenten practice!

The Family Name

2008-01-28T12:25:00.000-05:00

PAK (some write it Park in English)... my family name.

I painted this board for a friend's wall and as I was thinking of what to paint/create, I decided to go with my family name in Korean. A name that connects me to a rich history, culture, background, and gives meaning to who I am today.

I think what makes me kind of sad and why I felt compelled to paint this for a wall for others to see is that even as closely as I am connected to this name, I also feel a lot of distance. My grandfather died when I was young...too young to ask him about his own history in Korea, and my grandmother died one year ago, and with her death, so many silent stories I am aching to know now.

I don't know what it is with families and secrets or silent histories... I don't know why I don't ask more detailed questions to my own parents about our family name and our family history and specifics about why they came into this country. I don't know why they don't feel compelled to share this information whatsoever. It's like we live by the policy of "Don't ask, don't tell."

And yet, I feel this name coursing through my blood. I love it. I don't ever want to lose it or replace it. It identifies me.

Was just thinking of my halmoni (grandmother) today, missing her face and her presence, and wanted to share. I'm glad my family name will be hanging somewhere, even when I leave this particular place.

We still miss you, halmoni. A lot.

2008-01-22T14:09:00.000-05:00

"I don't think of it as working for world peace, he said. I think of it as just trying to get along in a really big strange family."
-Brian Andreas

Happy for my big strange family in Chicago...

MLK Reflection

2008-01-15T15:42:00.000-05:00

“History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people.”

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

When it comes to the words of the Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr., we can all boldly affirm that he indeed was a prophetic voice to his time and into our time. We shout a strong “Amen!” to his beautiful “I have a dream” speech. But the truth is prophetic voices tend to make us shift uncomfortably in our chairs. They speak truths that hit at our inner core. If we dare to hear, they are voices that require change from our comfortable lifestyles. I know this because these prophetic words of Martin Luther King, Jr. made me shift in discomfort, which is why I wanted to share it.

“The greatest tragedy,” he states is “the appalling silence of the good people.” It is so easy to point the finger and to blame the opponent, the other, the “one over there” when it comes to issues of injustice, war, sexism, racism and all the –isms. And we do. We think, “How can they say that? How can they be like that? How can they believe that?” And perhaps that’s just the problem. We think those questions, and yes, perhaps discuss them among people who already agree with us, but would we dare to speak aloud those injustices? If put on the spot in an unfamiliar setting, would we break the silence?

I have recently come to realize the ways I remain silent in the midst of injustice, and continue to struggle with it. I have literally been trained to swallow my voice or be told over and over again by the system, by peoples, by my groups and by different groups that my voice is not valid. I have been trained to be silent so as not to cause any form of disturbance. And yet, I have come to recognize that remaining silent disconnects me from my own experience and internalize my own oppression.

It is a privilege to speak, but even more than that, it is a privilege to be heard. Where are the places and what are the ways in which we are and can be heard? Will we speak on behalf of justice and mercy issues that bring steps of wholeness to all humanity? Will we advocate on behalf of those who are not seen or are shut out by society? Will we have courage in the face of fear? Or will we try to appease everyone and in doing so, lose our own voice?

The prophecy in these words of Dr. King is that we are in a critical time where good people need to break silence. He is challenging us and daring us to take those risks involved with releasing the oppressed. We must remember that at the heart of the matter, his words and challenge to speak are definitely not easy. The result for those of us who speak might be rejection, becoming outcast, being shut down and shut out of our own circles. It is some form of fear that suffocates our voice into silence in the first place, so what will it take to overcome that fear? Audre Lorde writes:

"I have come to believe over and over again, that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood... My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you... and while we wait in silence for that final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us. The fact that we are here and that I speak these words is an attempt to break that silence and bridge some of those differences between us, for it is not difference which immobilizes us, but silence. And there are so many silences to be broken.” (Transformation of Silence into Language).

Indeed, there are so many silences to be broken. So let us hear the prophetic words of Martin Luther King, Jr. for us today and be challenged to bring change to that statement.

May the good people dare to speak.

Waiting

2008-01-10T15:12:00.000-05:00

O Lord, my heart is not lifted up, my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.
But I have calmed & quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; my soul is like the weaned child with me.
O Israel, hope in the Lord from this time on and forevermore.
(Psalm 131)

If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light around me become night," even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is as bright as the day, for darkness is as light to you.
(Psalm 139:11-12)

I find that the beauty of scripture is that many times, faithful voices from the past express EXACTLY how you feel. I am really feeling those verses right now...it was sort of weird, actually. Suddenly, it was like I was craving scripture. I was literally drinking in the words of Psalm 139:1-18...verses that I always return to when I need the reminder that I am God's beloved daughter. The thing is, my heart has not been lifted up, but slowly and surely I have finally come to a quiet waiting time. It's the most hopeful I've felt in a while, so I thought I'd share.

Hope peace finds you today.

Happy New Year!

2008-01-03T13:59:00.001-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 2008!
Sae hae bok mani baduhsehyo!

It was good to be home for the new year this year. It is the first time I've been in Utah in years for the New Year and I was intentional about it this year because as our family becomes larger and more extended, the New Year seems to be the more likely time we can all get together. Unfortunately, my brother Andy and my cousin Dustin weren't able to be there, but everyone else was, so that was good. The pic above is one of the traditions we celebrate every new year. We bow to our elders wishing them a happy new year. They then give us a blessing and usually following that, some $$. The picture is me, my sister Linda, and bro-in-law, Craig bowing to my parents. It was his first Korean new year celebration and he did a good job!

Part of the tradition is also eating duk guk, which is a soup with rice cake type things in them. Mmmm... delicious!

Anyway, here are some cousin/family pics! The first one is of the women and girls! From left to right: Kyra, Tina, me, Sarah, Linda, Eunice and baby Sylvie.

And the guys! From left to right: Dennis, Richard, Craig, and Shawn. Missing is brother Andy and cousin Dustin.

Anyway, hope you all had a wonderful time ringing in the new year! I'm back with a little bit of a cold, but overall in good spirits. To a great start!

2007-12-31T14:18:00.000-05:00

"Maybe I don't want a Happy New Year, he said. Maybe I want an intense New Year with a lot of growth experiences & I had to admit I'd never thought of that."

--Brian Andreas

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

Pass me a truffle...

2007-12-20T12:11:00.000-05:00

My lovely friends Lindsay and Tim sent me this box of chocolate truffles.

Um, let me tell you about these truffles. Tim makes them all from scratch...I remember watching him do it last year. Buys bricks of chocolate, sweetens it and flavors them himself...molds them and makes them pretty. This box has been slightly shaken up b/c it was mailed to me, but nonetheless, I know that it was BEAUTIFUL when put in the box.

To add to that, they come in wonderful different kinds like "Basil", "Caramel", "Coconut" and something with "Honey Lavendar" or something like that. I can't remember... I just treasure every bite and have to use all my will power not to shove them down my throat.

Anyway, I just had to share the little things that make my day a little brighter.

She was wearing Flair...

2007-12-17T11:42:00.000-05:00

I have recently become addicted to the TV Series, "The Office." I think it is hysterical, blunt, and very NOT culturally proficient. After working in a "working station" (aka, cubicle) for the last few months for the first time in my life, this TV series brings an added dimension to my life. OK, so I do recognize that the picture I have added of Jennifer Aniston is from the movie "Office Space," which I have also come to appreciate in a whole new way. It all relates, I swear...
Last Friday, some members of the staff around here went out for a Christmas luncheon where we revealed Secret Santas, etc. As we were driving to TGI Fridays, another lover of "The Office" turns to me and says, "Doesn't it feel like we could be in an episode of "The Office?" How little we knew in that moment that it would really feel that way! It was AWESOME.
We go in and sit down, and no joke, our server (who was a GREAT server by the way), was wearing a cowboy hat, full on Kentucky/southern accent, and suspenders with... yes, FLAIR. I actually have never seen this in real life and my only regret is that I forgot I had my camera and did not take a picture. What is flair you ask? Well, if you have not seen "Office Space" (please do), they are the buttons one wears on suspenders to add "flair" to the uniform. She had GREAT flair... even better than what Jennifer Aniston has on in this picture... and as she turned around, on the back of the suspenders... (suspenseful moment)... she had stuffed M&M's as flair! Not making this up, my friends. Not making this up.
This was a true highlight of my LIFE, I think, and I needed to share that moment. I was semi-inspired ... but not enough to actually do it myself. Please, do know that if you have pictures of folks with flair, I want to see them.

What makes bad days turn into good days?

2007-12-12T09:17:00.000-05:00

Babies and kiddos.

My cousin Eunice just posted these pictures of her two daughters, Kyra and Sylvie and it just made me extremely excited to see them soon and very soon. It shows me that I need children in my life. In a recent onslaught of bad news, these mere PICTURES made my day better. I just wanted to share.

Sylvie is the newest member of the family and I haven't met her yet, so I can't wait to just pick her up!! Aren't they just lovely??

I know there are folks who aren't really into kids, but come on, look at these girls and tell me you aren't in love?!

Okay, I've gone on and on, but again, just wanted to share what brought me joy today in the midst of bad news.

Telephones and Turkish Delight

2007-12-07T12:10:00.001-05:00

Um, so I'm officially moving up in the world. I came into my "working station" this morning (more commonly known as a cubicle) and voila! I have a new upgraded phone that has caller ID and everything special on it! WOOHOO! I hope I learn how to use it. It came with an instruction manual next to it. Check it out!

It's so pretty...

Now you may be wondering, "What's the connection between new telephones and turkish delight?"

Well, nothing actually, except they are both semi-work related. Everyday, a few of us send out e-mails to one another reminding ourselves of the lunch hour. A co-worker, Tiffany, usually comes up with brilliant little reminders that are incredibly witty and mostly hilarious. Remember my entry on PCUSA superstars? (read below). Well, I think she's one, so when she's not around, I try to put on my witty hilarious skills and send out our lunch reminders. Today, I titled the e-mail, "Our Afternoon Delight" and then wrote, "Yum yum for our tum tums?" I thought it was clever.

Another fabulous co-worker then e-mailed me back saying that the title reminded her of turkish delight which she was now craving. I was like, "What is turkish delight? Is it like a meat? Kind of like a turkey?" So, I googled it. And there is the picture of the beautiful stuff... totally not what I imagined AT ALL. I should have remembered it from the "Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe" movie, but forgot. As I'm writing this right now, I realize that I might sound kind of "slow"... but come on people, be honest. If you totally didn't know, wouldn't you think more meat like substance for a turkish delight? Anyone? Am I really the only one?

PCUSA Superstar

2007-12-04T14:31:00.001-05:00

My goal one day is totally to become a PCUSA Superstar. I want to become one and I want to stand in front of the General Assembly one day and be like Mary Katherine Gallagher (played by Molly Shannon) in the movie "Superstar" with one knee bent, arms toward the sky, and yelling, "I'm a Presbyterian Superstar!!" Ok, I understand this is slightly ridiculous, but I'm surrounded by and friends with so many people who I actually call PCUSA Superstars that I can only aspire. However, I believe I am truly on my way. See the picture to your right? That's me on the PCUSA website. Granted, it's because I'm an intern and not because I've done anything particularly special, but still! I'm on my way! You can check out links and more info: http://www.pcusa.org/nvo/youngadultinterns/yai.htm.

The real question is, do I really want that kind of fame, and even more curious... why? I'm obviously not going into ministry for the glory of it... I'm embarrassed half the time to tell folks that I got my masters degree in "divinity" which sounds strange to those who have no idea what one would do with a masters of divinity. Maybe I just want to be a PCUSA superstar because in my heart of hearts, I just want to do the motion of "SUPERSTAR!" Yeah, that's probably it.

Life-Giving Relationships

2007-12-01T23:15:00.000-05:00

Greetings from the Pajaro Dunes in San Jose, California!

I have been here for the past few days with a group of amazing Asian American clergy and seminarians for our annual gathering. This time has always been and continues to be a time of renewal, support, mentorship and GOOD FOOD. The group seems small in this picture, but within it are generations of people who have a love and passion for justice and continue to follow where God has been leading them to go and be in the world and in the church. I don't know if it's just super cheesy, but really, it's always a time of awe and at the same time support for me. Life-giving relationships.

And you know, recently I was asked if I were to die, what would I want to have accomplished or said about me? What would I want folks to notice about me? And the answer to that was that I would want the witness of what I cared about, what I worked for, etc. to be represented in the people in the room. Through the lives of the people I was in relationship with, I would hope that hospitality, justice, peace, love, advocacy, etc. etc. would all be present. Life-giving relationships that continue to give life even after one has gone. Sounds kind of morbid, but I don't mean it to be.

Anyway, super exhausted in the best way and just chillin' in a coffee shop with my cousin, Rich in Palo Alto. Headed back tomorrow and feeling a sense of renewal. WOOHOOO!

Starting a Real Blog

2007-11-28T17:30:00.000-05:00

I am seeking
To create a place
Where my being
Bears witness that
There is a different way to understand reality-
There is a different way to structure our institutions-
There is a different way to live.

Or just chat about the everyday random/funny/serious adventures in this thing we call life. We'll see how it goes!